The 10 Worst Things About Being John Kerry.

LETTERMAN REPLIES: KEEP YOUR DAY JOB

10. Those smarmy “I could've beat him” looks I keep getting from Hillary.

9. All those scuzzy rappers from the Vote or Die campaign think we're homeys now and want to hang out at my crib.

8. At the Failed Democratic Candidates Support Group meetings, that ass Dukakis hogs all the jelly doughnuts.

7. When at parties at the Kennedy compound, I always hear Awnuld whisper something about “girlie man,” and everyone looks at me and giggles.

6. The voters have spoken and they think I have even LESS charisma than Al Gore.

5. If I want to see Bruce now, I have to buy a ticket.

4. Now that he's no longer my running mate, I no longer have any excuse for inappropriate physical contact with John Edwards.

3. God what was I thinking with that goose? That was lamer than Dukakis in the tank.

2. Since I dissed him in the debates, Al Sharpton won't let me be a contestant on that I Hate My Job show.

1. More quality time with Theresa.